Updated: Mar 18, 2021
I am a bit late writing this post, but it is domestic violence awareness month and I am sure many of you see my purple signs all over my profile, it is a very hard time for me each time this year comes around my flashbacks return. It gets a bit easier and easier for me as each year passes me, but hard not to, because who can just easily erase the trauma. It could take people from months to years to recover from traumatic times. Every time I feel like I am healed a toxic individual enters my life and my flashbacks from the abusive person I had in my life returns and it becomes very hard to erase it all, but I promise it gets better for me, a lot time, patience and therapy.
I openly love to share with all of you my story and maybe inspire you all not just to share all the wonderful times on social media, but even advocate for causes that many do not consider or just disregard. Domestic Violence is such an important topic for me, anyone can experience children, women, men. Most of the time the ones affected by it are children and women. The abuse, the harassment, the assault, the rape, the bullying.
Domestic Violence can occur anywhere, at home, in your workplace, in relationships, at school. No-one deserves to feel unsafe regardless of where you may be. Aside from the abuse, the mental abuse is probably the more harder one to recover from, I still up until this day struggle from it as I am sure any individual would, which is why I am here to support anyone who has gone through a traumatic time. I currently see a therapist weekly, which at this point I think I am borderline more than qualified to even see a psychiatrist to get me through my traumas. It was about six to seven years ago when I got introduced or I so called "fell in love" with my abuser. I was 16 at the time, now at 25 I just finally had the courage to let it all out.
This person was a monster, toxic, scary, abusive. He would abuse me, mentally, physically and emotionally. I think the most traumatic of it all was all the abuse I put up with, from slapping me, to sexually assaulting me, to nearly raping me, manipulating me, cheating and even worse threatening me, name calling me and treating me like a rag doll. I had some days where I had bruises on my body from how aggressive and nasty this person was, bribing me into sexual activity, nearly raping me. I was not the only person this abuser had in his life, he had many, he was a sex addict, he admitted it to me, from nearly raping me, to the drug use and the yelling at me it was an endless cycle. I forgive myself for putting up with a scary monster. No women should be put through it, but I did. I am going to very honest I was suicidal from the abuse. After ending the relationship 4 years ago I almost wanted to commit suicide, my brain shut down completely, I took depression medication after my photoshoot and collapsed after that.
While I was in this extremely toxic relationship I found every way to escape this person. Talk to friends, meet other people, but I then found my hobby, I would escape by going out and taking photos with all the amazing people I would meet. I was stupid and naive and I kept this person in my life for so long thinking this person would change, but he never did nor will he ever will. No apology or luxurious things will make up for the fact that this person was abusive and psychotic. So tell me who wouldn't feel worthless after all that trauma. He a was very dangerous individual and I truly do not know how I put up with it for 7 years of my life. I still up until this day have nightmares and flashbacks from this scary, abusive relationship. Just imagine staying in a relationship like this for years and suffering as the victim. Yes I made a very big mistake, but now I have story to tell for everyone out there who may have suffered through traumatic times.
Picture your daughter being dragged down steps, sexually assaulted, hit and called names by the person who they thought was their partner from the age of 16 up until 23. It took me as the victim to leave the abusive relationship that long and you ask me why does the victim stay because they are so used to getting treated that we think it's normal, but that is not normal at all. He would bribe me for sex by buying nice luxurious items just to be with him. He would apologize for all the crazy things he would do, but never changed and he never cared for me, I fell into this fantasy that I loved my abuser so much and it took me 23 years to end it. Everyone around me knew how unhealthy this person was and I myself saw it too, but I stayed for 7 years and suffered and I finally left after so many years and every person I have met so far or every person I meet just don't seem to understand me on more emotional level. Along the way I have met so many toxic individuals, especially males and they do not end. The list of abusive, manipulative men never ends. I get triggered very easily now by people, I have anxiety attacks, panic attacks and nightmares, I definitely have some serious form of ptsd as well. I have to forcefully re-program my mind to think of positive things to get myself going each day.
Aside from the domestic violence, I find it draining when people around constantly scream and yell it triggers my anxiety to intensely and I shut down sometimes, It really is mentally exhausting and draining when people are always screaming and yelling, harassing you. No wonder why so many young teens suffer from depression and anxiety. I sure do without a doubt, my depression some days can be at a level 10 some days, how could you not after going through hell, it mentally drains you.
I got asked today where do you see yourself in five years and I said in a healthy environment, around no screaming, yelling, or abusive individuals. My response was not about a career or relationships, it was simply for my mental health. Mental Health is the most important thing to me not the job, not the career not the relationship, my mental health truly is my number one priority.